How to Drink from the Toilet.

There are many people who credit themselves for knowing how to drink properly from a toilet. They say, "Oh, I've seen my dog do it, I've studied the topic, so what more do I need to know?" Some people even drink from the toilet themselves to find mastery. However, many people wish to know this without actually gaining experience; like being able to craft scotch tape from a bar of soap, owning a high-speed sports car, and being able to understand a contract that is written by the government, it falls under the category of something to boast of- it is not a necessary talent. (I am one of those people.) So, those people, if the wish for true knowledge, will watch, instead of dogs; cats.

However, if you are not like me, and wish to seek knowledge not by observing, but by questioning others for the golden knowledge, then you must read on. On this yonder computer screen you are reading this blog on, lies the written form of the talent of drinking from the toilet. Read on, brave adventurer.

Here the instructions come, step by step. However, if you do not have a true desire to learn this, then stop. Skedaddle. What follows is not for the unprepared.

1. First, you must make sure there is water in the toilet. If there is none, you are officially screwed. Just as important, make sure that the toilet water is completely clear, with no shades of yellow, brown, red, or any other color.
2. Next, providing there is water in your toilet, you must kneel down on your hands and knees, to be level with the toilet. You must be able to drink without kneeling down too far. This is a step that is used by humans only, for cats and dogs have no need for this.
3. Now, you come close to the final step. Climb your forelimbs onto the toilet seat/bowl, and put your head into the bowl.
4. Then, thrust! with all the might in your hind legs, and push yourself into the toilet. Outstretch your tongue first, so it is the first part of your head to hit the water. That will cushion the impact, and give your lower jaw the clearing it needs to come down and wrap itself around the water.
5. Finally, drink to your hearts content. Or rather, don't. The idea of drinking from the toilet is repulsive, and, as I said, this knowledge should remain unused. So, more properly, enjoy the knowledge that you have just received.